My Dear Bhebhe!

I didn’t get to sleep at all last night because the memories of my beloved sister were flashing through my mind…
The worst nightmare imaginable happened, my sister Bhebhe passed away just a few months ago. Although I knew that she’s terribly sick for years but still, I was not ready to face with a situation for which I have had no preparation — nothing can take away the emptiness I feel.
If I am not mistaken, ten years ago when she was stricken with the dreaded Pulmonary Fibrosis for which until this time there is still no cure. The rest of her life was spent living like a normal life with her family especially her kids until she died. I don’t want to elaborate how she died because I don’t want to remember that very tragic day anymore. I just want to remember her as an example for the countless numbers of people who suffered from different kinds of incurable diseases like hers but struggled and tried their bests to survive because they used their minds to help them adapt to their life’s circumstances. And the best of all, their lives have been extended through their infinite faith in God Almighty just like what my beloved sister did…
“Let me narrate some words to ease my pain temporarily… This is the very first time I wrote something about what I really feel since my sister died…”

Few days after my sister’s death, I feel so strange sometimes… I can’t talk to my folks. I just keep my feelings to myself so I won’t upset them anymore. Mood swings between feeling very good and very bad. I hate feeling so mixed-up. I want to forgive myself for things that I have said to my sister when she is still alive especially about for being irresponsible of her husband — instead of buying foods for them or medicines for her, that foolish guy was frequently affected by alcohol, he just wasted his money on his “hobby.” And the worst of it all was when he hurt my sister emotionally and physically — my sister found out that he has another woman. That time, I want to kill my brother in-law but despite of his wrong doings he had been forgiven by my sister, so I had nothing to do with it.

The emotions I am experiencing may be completely different than those of other family members. My family may found comfort and truth that my sister had gone away but I’m still on the stage of denial and how I wish to move to the stage of acceptance. My grief is different because of the unique relationship I had with my sister. Until now I am suffering from sleep disturbances, tiredness or restlessness and anger to myself and other people. Guilt about what I did or did not do for my sister. Until when I may feel such emotions I have mentioned? Maybe even long after my sister’s death? I find that even normal day-to-day activities are tiring and I have noticed that grieving takes a lot of energy. It can be frightening to suddenly think about such things. Living in the past for a while? This is the only one way to keep alive the memory of my sister. But how can I be free from this ordeal? It’s really hard for me to overcome the pain which embedded into my heart. I MISS MY SISTER BHEBHE SO MUCH!

I know I have my own life… And together with my own family, I would like to have fun and enjoy life — to laugh again and be lived to the fullest and go on living… Currently, I am taking up my master studies in Special Education. Hope this could be a positive outlet for my feelings. I would like to overcome my grieving and say goodbye to my sister. I know that the strain I feel will vanish in due time. But when? Hope sooner or later… I would just treasure the emotional bond I once had with my sister to have a positive effect on my future. And most of all I would try to convince myself that tragedies like death can strengthen everyone for tomorrow.

I would like to start all over again — facing a new life and learn how to appreciate the beauty of this world!

I thank God so much for always being there for me and my family.